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So work today isn't nearly as bad as it was yesterday. The System is still flawed, with no present forecast in when it will be back in acceptable working order. In prepping for a nasty fight scene I have tonight, I volunteered to work the late shift tomorrow, because I still lack enough sleep. My own fault, I know, but I keep finding myself caught up in things when I should be saying "That's it. Going to bed. Now."
I don't mind the late shift, since things tend to quiet down after a certain time, and I get some time to myself where the phones don't ring all that much. Last time I did this shift, I ended up writing half an app which I was/am proud of. Of course, I'll be prouder once said app gets bloody approved, but patience, patience, blah blah blah. I have a few ideas I've been meaning to play with, anyway.
Also, in conversation I had last night, someone told me that I was 'affection starved.' And to be honest, I didn't even realize there was a term for it. See, I'm not all that big on terms in general. One time, I told someone that I was lonely, and wanted someone in my life. I called it Lonely, and Help Him Get a Date, Darn It. Nope, apprently it's a 'Cinderella Complex' or some other piece of flaming carp. When did being lonely become a deep-rooted psych term? When did the simplest solution to this become a bad thing?
But, well, yeah, the person I was talking to was right. My parents were never really affectionnate. Mom and Dad haven't barely kissed since I was born, let alone...never mind. My bro and sis complain about their spouses every time they're around and the kids aren't listening, and my friends...no one's really open.
I thought about it, after the conversation. It surprised me that I could recall the last time I hugged a non-family member (Last September), and recall the last time someone hugged me (the January before that). Last person I kissed was over five years ago (and she's reading this now, actually.). And so on and so forth.
I think it's why I find myself so guarded, as a product of my environment. I mean, I've been in public situations where I see people kissing, just getting each other as friends. Must be /some/ friends. And I remember sitting there thinking I wish...I just wish.
I'm starting to get a feel for others' terms when they talk about things. Love, for example, which is apparently so rigidly defined with sets of standards and acceptable behavior for each type of love...and I hate the complications. I've been way screwed over on the terms before, and maybe there's that part of that is subconsciously looking to break the cycle and find a way to accept what feelings I do have, in a way that I get them accepted. Starved, as I said.
Sad, because I am trying to keep positive today. And I know people want me to be, but it isn't easy for me. I'm caught between where I can't get things out of my mind, and that I don't want to just ignore them. That will only make it worse. Trust me. If I know anything, it's my own mind.
ANyway, I need to get back. Lunch.
I don't mind the late shift, since things tend to quiet down after a certain time, and I get some time to myself where the phones don't ring all that much. Last time I did this shift, I ended up writing half an app which I was/am proud of. Of course, I'll be prouder once said app gets bloody approved, but patience, patience, blah blah blah. I have a few ideas I've been meaning to play with, anyway.
Also, in conversation I had last night, someone told me that I was 'affection starved.' And to be honest, I didn't even realize there was a term for it. See, I'm not all that big on terms in general. One time, I told someone that I was lonely, and wanted someone in my life. I called it Lonely, and Help Him Get a Date, Darn It. Nope, apprently it's a 'Cinderella Complex' or some other piece of flaming carp. When did being lonely become a deep-rooted psych term? When did the simplest solution to this become a bad thing?
But, well, yeah, the person I was talking to was right. My parents were never really affectionnate. Mom and Dad haven't barely kissed since I was born, let alone...never mind. My bro and sis complain about their spouses every time they're around and the kids aren't listening, and my friends...no one's really open.
I thought about it, after the conversation. It surprised me that I could recall the last time I hugged a non-family member (Last September), and recall the last time someone hugged me (the January before that). Last person I kissed was over five years ago (and she's reading this now, actually.). And so on and so forth.
I think it's why I find myself so guarded, as a product of my environment. I mean, I've been in public situations where I see people kissing, just getting each other as friends. Must be /some/ friends. And I remember sitting there thinking I wish...I just wish.
I'm starting to get a feel for others' terms when they talk about things. Love, for example, which is apparently so rigidly defined with sets of standards and acceptable behavior for each type of love...and I hate the complications. I've been way screwed over on the terms before, and maybe there's that part of that is subconsciously looking to break the cycle and find a way to accept what feelings I do have, in a way that I get them accepted. Starved, as I said.
Sad, because I am trying to keep positive today. And I know people want me to be, but it isn't easy for me. I'm caught between where I can't get things out of my mind, and that I don't want to just ignore them. That will only make it worse. Trust me. If I know anything, it's my own mind.
ANyway, I need to get back. Lunch.
