Internal System crash.
Sep. 26th, 2002 08:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dewingedI wonder to myself how I got here this morning. I woke up at about 20 after 7 this morning, and not to the sound of my alarm. I don't rememebr if I switched it off or I just never set it the previous night. But it's not like I'm going to make it to work on time. Yay. Lucky me.
I find myself starting to hurt again, on the inside. That feeling, like I'm not even half a real person. Like...I'm not even good enough to be afforded that much of a status. And, in total consistency, it makes me feel sick all over again. Not healthy, but not much else I can do about it in the immediate sense. See...I've tried outlining my wants/needs/etc. to people. But...that's around the same time when people stop talking to me altogether. So, I seal myself off. I lack trust, most of the time.
And, so I go to work, where I pick up the phone and get yelled at all day. Then head home, where either I get yelled at all night, ordered around to help all the sick people in the house like a dog, or listen to them yell all night. There's no love there, either, and when it's that someone desperately needs, and they cannot find it even in their own family...it makes a person wonder what the whole point is.
It's scaring me, again.
I find myself starting to hurt again, on the inside. That feeling, like I'm not even half a real person. Like...I'm not even good enough to be afforded that much of a status. And, in total consistency, it makes me feel sick all over again. Not healthy, but not much else I can do about it in the immediate sense. See...I've tried outlining my wants/needs/etc. to people. But...that's around the same time when people stop talking to me altogether. So, I seal myself off. I lack trust, most of the time.
And, so I go to work, where I pick up the phone and get yelled at all day. Then head home, where either I get yelled at all night, ordered around to help all the sick people in the house like a dog, or listen to them yell all night. There's no love there, either, and when it's that someone desperately needs, and they cannot find it even in their own family...it makes a person wonder what the whole point is.
It's scaring me, again.