Late-night rambling again.
Mar. 31st, 2002 01:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dewingedI think I've been dreaming again, but I'm not sure. I took a most wonderful 3-hour nap today, with the window wide open and the breeze playing across my face as I slept. I woke up feeling like I had some energy, but there was a...lack, somehow. I know I dreamed, because I can still see a few scattered images: a computer screen, a tree-lined road...but I cannot remember. What I was feeling was a sense of loss, or some feeling that with something, I couldn't quite cut it. I wasn't Quite good enough.
Not that this is a new feeling for me, but still.
There's a part of my soul that wants to rail out and find out what the dream was about it. What is my subconscious kicking my ass over this time? Another part just wants to bury it like I have with nearly everything else. I notice myself doing it as a defense mechanism, lately. Hell, I think I pushed down every vaguely illegial impulse I've had since I was thirteen. This might account for some of the things I think of. I think it's a benefit of my imagination: I'm actually /good/ at it. On my better days, I can create, and it's a good feeling to do so.
I keep switching moods, and it feels like channel surfing. I've been defensive a lot lately. Part of me is still terrified of letting people get close. See...ok, one time, I described my personality as an onion. Well, sometimes, I think it stinks, but that's not what I meant. I meant I layered it. Peel back one layer, and there is something there underneath. Except, it has a drawback. See, the layers keep things out, but it also keeps things about me in, and sometimes...
Sometimes, I think the inner me, or the me that's closest to the True Self, scares the living hell out of me. Subconsiously, I think I know exactly what I'm capable of, and it's scared me on some primal level to such an extent that I pushed it down.
But, I know this. Despite the darkest parts of my soul, I know that also in there is the capability for doing truly good things. I used to be able to do that: I liked being good to people, and I still do. But I've had that taken advantage of so many times that it got twisted, and it hurts me.
God help me, I liked being a good person, and I want to be one again. I look at myself now, and I see myself as a villain, deep down. And I wonder what I did to deserve this, because I don't want to be this way any more.
It's about 2 AM as I write this. Haven't really spoken to anyone, and there's a feeling that I could connect with people. I've been shutting things out, and some others have been trying to make sure I don't. Small things, and a part of me wishes I could explain how much of a help it has been. I only wish I could do someting in reutrn, and give instead of take. They deserve that much.
A real dream: To express myself as I wish to express myself, and without the fear of being pushed away. So much I never said...
That's the whole point. I'm not perfect, not by any means. But I'm okay. I'm good at things. I'm...cool, in some ways.
Just wish I could say it.
But right now, I need sleep more. :)
Not that this is a new feeling for me, but still.
There's a part of my soul that wants to rail out and find out what the dream was about it. What is my subconscious kicking my ass over this time? Another part just wants to bury it like I have with nearly everything else. I notice myself doing it as a defense mechanism, lately. Hell, I think I pushed down every vaguely illegial impulse I've had since I was thirteen. This might account for some of the things I think of. I think it's a benefit of my imagination: I'm actually /good/ at it. On my better days, I can create, and it's a good feeling to do so.
I keep switching moods, and it feels like channel surfing. I've been defensive a lot lately. Part of me is still terrified of letting people get close. See...ok, one time, I described my personality as an onion. Well, sometimes, I think it stinks, but that's not what I meant. I meant I layered it. Peel back one layer, and there is something there underneath. Except, it has a drawback. See, the layers keep things out, but it also keeps things about me in, and sometimes...
Sometimes, I think the inner me, or the me that's closest to the True Self, scares the living hell out of me. Subconsiously, I think I know exactly what I'm capable of, and it's scared me on some primal level to such an extent that I pushed it down.
But, I know this. Despite the darkest parts of my soul, I know that also in there is the capability for doing truly good things. I used to be able to do that: I liked being good to people, and I still do. But I've had that taken advantage of so many times that it got twisted, and it hurts me.
God help me, I liked being a good person, and I want to be one again. I look at myself now, and I see myself as a villain, deep down. And I wonder what I did to deserve this, because I don't want to be this way any more.
It's about 2 AM as I write this. Haven't really spoken to anyone, and there's a feeling that I could connect with people. I've been shutting things out, and some others have been trying to make sure I don't. Small things, and a part of me wishes I could explain how much of a help it has been. I only wish I could do someting in reutrn, and give instead of take. They deserve that much.
A real dream: To express myself as I wish to express myself, and without the fear of being pushed away. So much I never said...
That's the whole point. I'm not perfect, not by any means. But I'm okay. I'm good at things. I'm...cool, in some ways.
Just wish I could say it.
But right now, I need sleep more. :)