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Home early, I know.
Oct. 12th, 2002 11:45 amOk, I know I've been telling you all week, but it's Saturday, 11:45 AM, and I'm home from the convention.
Why? Well, looking at the esoteric part of it, I was bored. The friend I was supposed to split a room with never showed, for one. This way, I save a night's worth of room rates. And, also, I didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to do there, and even though none of the games were filled, I found myself looking at the events and thinking 'Eh.' Though, I did run into a friend there I don't see often, and he was in...a LARP, but not based off any game system I know of, and it sounded interesting. So, I signed up, and both my introversion manifested wildly, and no one really seemed to care to talk to me in the game, and no plots were happening. I ended up having this one girl tell me about her character and her cool stories for one long, tedious, chew-off-my-leg-to-get-away hours. I wanted to scream 'Stop being a spaz!' at her, but I jkept my cool. About then, I decided I wanted to go home. So, I slept, woke up, and left.
I know where I wanted to be, in a way, where I seemed to really belong, in a life where I don't feel like I ever fit in. I know where to find people that really see me as a person, and who don't...make me angry, or upset, or give me ther creeps.
But, reality is reality, and I know the reality. And that reality is that I want them Here. In a way, I need people here, physically. It would help me be better about myself, and make me want to change things to make myself a better person.
How stupid is it
I can't talk about it
I gotta sing about it
And make a record of my heart
How stupid is it
Won't you gimme a minute
Just come up to me
And say hello (to my heart)
How stupid is it
For all I know you want me too
Or maybe you just don't know what to do
And maybe you're scared to say
I'm falling for you
I need. Badly. I admit that, and I know what/who I wish would be there to make me want to shed myself of all the hurt and pain and lack of belonging that I do feel, despite all reassurances. I want to feel that there's nothing wrong with me by wanting the people I want in my RL the most to be in my RL the most.
I wish I could get my head outta the sand
'cause I think we'd make a good team
And you would keep my fingernails clean
But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize
'cause I can't even look in your eyes
without shakin'
And I ain't fakin'
I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon
I get tired of it, the people in my RL being the ones I've been trying to get away from, since I can physically feel them bringing me down. Is it bad to want those others here, to bring me up?
But, I'm home, and in places I feel I do belong.
Except, I just got home, and there's no one here. No one. Called my sister's, and no one's there, and I'm worrying again.
(Note: Above song lyrics: "El Scorcho" by Weezer)
Why? Well, looking at the esoteric part of it, I was bored. The friend I was supposed to split a room with never showed, for one. This way, I save a night's worth of room rates. And, also, I didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to do there, and even though none of the games were filled, I found myself looking at the events and thinking 'Eh.' Though, I did run into a friend there I don't see often, and he was in...a LARP, but not based off any game system I know of, and it sounded interesting. So, I signed up, and both my introversion manifested wildly, and no one really seemed to care to talk to me in the game, and no plots were happening. I ended up having this one girl tell me about her character and her cool stories for one long, tedious, chew-off-my-leg-to-get-away hours. I wanted to scream 'Stop being a spaz!' at her, but I jkept my cool. About then, I decided I wanted to go home. So, I slept, woke up, and left.
I know where I wanted to be, in a way, where I seemed to really belong, in a life where I don't feel like I ever fit in. I know where to find people that really see me as a person, and who don't...make me angry, or upset, or give me ther creeps.
But, reality is reality, and I know the reality. And that reality is that I want them Here. In a way, I need people here, physically. It would help me be better about myself, and make me want to change things to make myself a better person.
How stupid is it
I can't talk about it
I gotta sing about it
And make a record of my heart
How stupid is it
Won't you gimme a minute
Just come up to me
And say hello (to my heart)
How stupid is it
For all I know you want me too
Or maybe you just don't know what to do
And maybe you're scared to say
I'm falling for you
I need. Badly. I admit that, and I know what/who I wish would be there to make me want to shed myself of all the hurt and pain and lack of belonging that I do feel, despite all reassurances. I want to feel that there's nothing wrong with me by wanting the people I want in my RL the most to be in my RL the most.
I wish I could get my head outta the sand
'cause I think we'd make a good team
And you would keep my fingernails clean
But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize
'cause I can't even look in your eyes
without shakin'
And I ain't fakin'
I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon
I get tired of it, the people in my RL being the ones I've been trying to get away from, since I can physically feel them bringing me down. Is it bad to want those others here, to bring me up?
But, I'm home, and in places I feel I do belong.
Except, I just got home, and there's no one here. No one. Called my sister's, and no one's there, and I'm worrying again.
(Note: Above song lyrics: "El Scorcho" by Weezer)
