Home early, I know.
Oct. 12th, 2002 11:45 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dewingedOk, I know I've been telling you all week, but it's Saturday, 11:45 AM, and I'm home from the convention.
Why? Well, looking at the esoteric part of it, I was bored. The friend I was supposed to split a room with never showed, for one. This way, I save a night's worth of room rates. And, also, I didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to do there, and even though none of the games were filled, I found myself looking at the events and thinking 'Eh.' Though, I did run into a friend there I don't see often, and he was in...a LARP, but not based off any game system I know of, and it sounded interesting. So, I signed up, and both my introversion manifested wildly, and no one really seemed to care to talk to me in the game, and no plots were happening. I ended up having this one girl tell me about her character and her cool stories for one long, tedious, chew-off-my-leg-to-get-away hours. I wanted to scream 'Stop being a spaz!' at her, but I jkept my cool. About then, I decided I wanted to go home. So, I slept, woke up, and left.
I know where I wanted to be, in a way, where I seemed to really belong, in a life where I don't feel like I ever fit in. I know where to find people that really see me as a person, and who don't...make me angry, or upset, or give me ther creeps.
But, reality is reality, and I know the reality. And that reality is that I want them Here. In a way, I need people here, physically. It would help me be better about myself, and make me want to change things to make myself a better person.
How stupid is it
I can't talk about it
I gotta sing about it
And make a record of my heart
How stupid is it
Won't you gimme a minute
Just come up to me
And say hello (to my heart)
How stupid is it
For all I know you want me too
Or maybe you just don't know what to do
And maybe you're scared to say
I'm falling for you
I need. Badly. I admit that, and I know what/who I wish would be there to make me want to shed myself of all the hurt and pain and lack of belonging that I do feel, despite all reassurances. I want to feel that there's nothing wrong with me by wanting the people I want in my RL the most to be in my RL the most.
I wish I could get my head outta the sand
'cause I think we'd make a good team
And you would keep my fingernails clean
But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize
'cause I can't even look in your eyes
without shakin'
And I ain't fakin'
I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon
I get tired of it, the people in my RL being the ones I've been trying to get away from, since I can physically feel them bringing me down. Is it bad to want those others here, to bring me up?
But, I'm home, and in places I feel I do belong.
Except, I just got home, and there's no one here. No one. Called my sister's, and no one's there, and I'm worrying again.
(Note: Above song lyrics: "El Scorcho" by Weezer)
Why? Well, looking at the esoteric part of it, I was bored. The friend I was supposed to split a room with never showed, for one. This way, I save a night's worth of room rates. And, also, I didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to do there, and even though none of the games were filled, I found myself looking at the events and thinking 'Eh.' Though, I did run into a friend there I don't see often, and he was in...a LARP, but not based off any game system I know of, and it sounded interesting. So, I signed up, and both my introversion manifested wildly, and no one really seemed to care to talk to me in the game, and no plots were happening. I ended up having this one girl tell me about her character and her cool stories for one long, tedious, chew-off-my-leg-to-get-away hours. I wanted to scream 'Stop being a spaz!' at her, but I jkept my cool. About then, I decided I wanted to go home. So, I slept, woke up, and left.
I know where I wanted to be, in a way, where I seemed to really belong, in a life where I don't feel like I ever fit in. I know where to find people that really see me as a person, and who don't...make me angry, or upset, or give me ther creeps.
But, reality is reality, and I know the reality. And that reality is that I want them Here. In a way, I need people here, physically. It would help me be better about myself, and make me want to change things to make myself a better person.
How stupid is it
I can't talk about it
I gotta sing about it
And make a record of my heart
How stupid is it
Won't you gimme a minute
Just come up to me
And say hello (to my heart)
How stupid is it
For all I know you want me too
Or maybe you just don't know what to do
And maybe you're scared to say
I'm falling for you
I need. Badly. I admit that, and I know what/who I wish would be there to make me want to shed myself of all the hurt and pain and lack of belonging that I do feel, despite all reassurances. I want to feel that there's nothing wrong with me by wanting the people I want in my RL the most to be in my RL the most.
I wish I could get my head outta the sand
'cause I think we'd make a good team
And you would keep my fingernails clean
But that's just a stupid dream that I won't realize
'cause I can't even look in your eyes
without shakin'
And I ain't fakin'
I'll bring home the turkey if you bring home the bacon
I get tired of it, the people in my RL being the ones I've been trying to get away from, since I can physically feel them bringing me down. Is it bad to want those others here, to bring me up?
But, I'm home, and in places I feel I do belong.
Except, I just got home, and there's no one here. No one. Called my sister's, and no one's there, and I'm worrying again.
(Note: Above song lyrics: "El Scorcho" by Weezer)
no subject
Date: 2002-10-12 09:33 am (UTC)I'm sorry it wasn't as fun as you hoped. And there's nothing wrong with wanting people to be in your RL. If only it were easier to make things work out that way.
Sometimes I want to buy a big apartment building or condo development, wire the whole place, and rent it out to all the people I wish lived nearby IRL. ;)