Straightforward.

Someone asked me last night why I don't say things that are really on my mind?. Or, more specifically, why I don't say those things to the people that it concerns.

I chalked it up to experience. There have been a lot of times in my life where I've said what I really thought/felt/needed/wanted, and I've had people turn away from me very fast because of it. So, after a while, I started skirting issues, hinting at things, and finding myself never really able to say things in just plain words.

I still do it. I won't lie about it.

Lately, I find myself getting annoyed at myself for doing that. Even if my subconscious is practically screaming at me to not say things, because that way, I stay relatively safe. I mean, if I don't open and show someone the inner me, they have no target for the knife, right? It's hard, because I have no basis in personal experience that says 'being open and straightforward is the right thing, and won't break everything you've built with another person.'

It's either that, or I'll say something that's really on my mind, and I'll get a little chuckle or something in return. Note: I'M NOT JOKING. Thank you.

But, I am doing it anyway. Slowly. Saiod a few things in RL and on Journal posts today that are a little more straightforward that what I usually admit to, and I want to see what happens with that.

(no subject)

I came home tonight, a little ebfore 7, to find a bunch of cars parked in front of my house. So, I knew something was up. My sister, my brother, and my uncle and their respe4ctive spouses were over, having dinner when I walked in.

Mom didn't call me since she didn't want to upset/worry me, but Grandma took a turn for the worse today. The doctors said 24-48 hours, max.

I know we've been expecting this for a while now, but still, the shock is there. The rest of them said I looked white as a ghost, which while I'm normally pale, is really not usual for me.

As far as I know, most of the arrangements have been made since today, and she's sleeping, now. She can hear us still, that I've been told, and I spent time today saying my goodbyes. But, God, it's not easy. Why is nothing ever easy anymore?

I've already decided to go to work tomorrow, if there's no change by the time I wake up. Mom and Dad's suggestion, because if I just stay around here I'll go stir crazy. I think it's a good idea, and gives me another chance to give my boss the heads-up.

So, I might be sporadic online-wise over the next few days, while things happen and we deal with them.