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May. 27th, 2004 02:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dewinged-9:45 AM
Okay, kids, it's been delayed, but it's that time again.
Runaways #15
Alex: You know...while we're racing to confront our parents at the exact moment some weird Gibborim ritual is taking place by sheer coincidence, I just realized something?
Chase: What's that?
Alex: We have the right to be angsty as hell. But we're not.
Gert: Well, I'm supposed to hate my parents and all authority, so I guess I am a little gung-ho about it.
Mr. Wilder: We control Los Angeles, but we can't find six missing kids.
Mr. Stein: Well, they do rock.
Mr. Wilder: True.
Mr. Stein: Also, did you get my memo that I think that not all of us are on the same page, and we might have other parents plotting to kill us?
Mr and Mrs Hayes, Mr and Mrs Dean : *tiwrl their moustaches, do the Dr. Evil laugh*
Mr. Wilder: Saw that. You're being foolish. That would never happen.
Mr. Stein: I see that your son is the genius.
Mr. Wilder: What was that?
Mr. Stein: Nothing, m'lord.
Alex: We need a plan.
Karolina: I'll do whatever Nico wants!
Fans: *weeks on weeks of speculation*
Nico: I'll get us under the sea!
Molly: Under da sea, yay!
Old Lace: Rarr!
Chase: I'll reveal deep things about myself, making me a 3-dimensional character...oh crap.
Others: *shake their head*
Chase: Crap.
Nico: Okay, we're here.
Golem Guardian: Rarr! Golem Smash!
Runaways: Eeeek!
Alex: How do I stop it...wait, these pages were stuck together!
Gert: Ewwwwwww!
Alex: Not THAT. *magicword*
Golem: *thud*
Gert: CHase...he's dead!
Me: Okay, I'm off. *grabs teddy bear*
Fans: What is Kyle doing?
Exposition Lad: Okay, he's going to the Corner. It's where he sits, rocks, and cluthces a teddy when he sees something in comics he doesn't like.
Fans: So the last few years of the Legion and X-books...
Exposition Lad: Yeah, he's pretty much almost worn through the floor in that spot.
Fans: Uh.
Expositon Lad: Oh, get real! It's not a real corner. It's just an allegory for that place in Kyle's head for stuff like this.
Me: Yeah, I'm not that weird...
Exposition Lad: But do you really think Chase is dead?
Me: Eh, not sure. It's more the waiting for the next ish that's stressful.
JLA: Another Nail, #1
Superman: Okay, the whole idea behind the first series, the Nail, was that a nail in the tire of the Kents made them not find me, so the whole world was affected. But, I was found, and I was raised by the Amish to be respectful, humble and...relatively the same way I usually act.
Me: Buuuuut, it's the same creative team. I can deal.
Darkseid: I'm evil! To show I'm so evil, I'll kill Scott Free!
Barda: My name is Barda, you killed my husband, prepare to die.
Darkseid: No, Mrs. Free, I expect YOU to die...when I blow up Apokolips with my Doomsday Device because I think one of my inner circle is working against me.
Golgoth (From Empire): Dude, you need to lay off the Omega Bean Coffee-
Darkseid: SILENCE! (Note: With apologies to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
graveyardgreg)
Guardians: Go to Apokolips! We're the Guardians, so we have the power to order the Green Lantern Corp around like our own personal thug squad!
Ganthet: Not for long.
Guardians: What was that?
Ganthet: Oh, nothing.
Scott Free: Psst.
Barda: What?
Scott Free: It's okay, honey. Through the application of Metaphysical Bullshit, my consciousness is now in your Mother Box. I'll get you out.
SFX: *ka-power!*
Barda: Okay...a Green Lantern's Ring bonded to the Mother Box technology my dead husband's consciousness was resting in...now I/we are a Green Lantern.
kaibara: *serious headbanging*
Me: Yeah, it's pretty wicked, isn't it?
Darkseid: *death!*
Ollie Queen: *frothfrothfrothrantrantrant*
Me: Still, it's cool fun.
New X-Men: Academy X #1
Me: This is basically New Mutants...with one important change.
Fans: What's that?
Me: A regular artist.
Fans: YAY!
Me: Yeah. And since I'm all down with the in-depth characterization, I'm cool with it. Anyone who disagrees can meet my friend the hypno-Toad.
Scott: Okay, new kids, this is your Official Mansion Tour.
Quill (kid with porcupine look): Any questions for exposition, come to me.
Josh Guthrie: But you're new here, too.
Me: Oooo!
Fans: Josh...Gutrie?
Me: Yeah. Showed up in Uncanny. Might be the only decent thing that came out of Austen's run besides a 3-dimensional Juggernaut.
Fans: But he has red hair and wings. Can he heal?
Me: Nope.
Josh Guthrie: ...Kyle?
Me: Yep?
Josh Guthrie: My eyes are up here.
Me: Yeah, whatever.
David: Okay, this is a whole mess of exposition.
Nori: Yeah, we established that whole group dynamic.
Josh: But, we have a lot of new readers.
Laurie: Why?
Sofia: Because they put X-Men in the title.
Laurie: Awesome.
Scott: Okay, we're going to place the students into squads.
Kids: Crap.
Me: ...why not seperate them by faculty advisor?
Fans; Too logical.
Me: Ah, right.
Outsiders #12
(With apologies to Tiny Toon Adventures)
Grace: We're bitchy,
Thunder: We're quippy
Indigo: We think the writer's flippy
Shift: We have this new comic, 'Cause Faerber's Titans sucked!
Me: Okay, enough of that.
Huntress: Arsenal's feeling better, so I'm going back to Gotham.
Nightwing: How do you know...oh.
Huntress: Everything's in working order.
Nightwing: Roy, you're hopeless.
Roy: That's what they call men with my dance card. Hopeless.
Slash fans: *snoopydance*
Me: Oy.
Nightwing: Oh, this happens all the time. You get used to it.
Me: Do you?
Nightwing: ...No.
Outsiders: Oh, crap! The Fearsome Five have escaped!
Fans; Don't you mean Fearsome Four?
Outsiders: They're working for Sivana.
Me: Odd number of Marvel references, lately.
Hawkman #28
Me: You know, on the cover...whenever it says 'New Team, new direction' it means 'we're going to ignore everything that's happened before.' Never a good sign.
Hawkman: I've seen tons of people die in a hundred lifetimes, but this most recent one has me moping and angsty.
Hawkgirl: Dude, chill. Shit happens.
Hawkman: I will tell you 'Get out' in a panel that has art that is roughly reminiscent of Hanna Barbera Saturday morning cartoons. Besides, you should Angst! You're going to fall in love with me and then we'll die! Again!!
Hawkgirl: ...You stole the Omega Bean Coffee off of Apokolips again, didn't you?
Hawkman: OUT!
Excalibur #1
Xavier: Like, ohmigawd! I'm in, like, Genosha and stuff!
Mutants: What's he doing here? Isn't he the enemy of Lord Magneto?
Xavier: Oh, he died. it was soooo grody! So I'm, like, moving in to rebuild.
*Psychic flash*
Xavier: That so, totally hurts!
Unus: Why are you talking like that?
Xavier: Prepping for Jubilee's arrival.
Unus: Ah, right. In the meantime, die!
Xavier: Die, like you totally did?
Unus: *flustered* I...never died!
Xavier: Yes. You did. Almost forty years ago, dude.
Unus: But I came back!
Xavier: Like, How?
Unus: Poor reaearch on the part of the previous writers!
Darkstar, Skin: Lucky bastard.
Wicked, Freakshow: Don't worry, we'll help!
Me: Eeeeeek!
Xavier: What?
Me: They's New Characters! Hatehatehatekillkillkilrarrrrrrr!
Wicked: Wait, don't!
Freakshow: Why do you hate us so much?
Me: I don't, really. But, it's how fandom works, and I'm tired of being out of the loop?
Xavier: This is that grody sarcasm thing, right?
Me: Yyyyyyyep. Nah, really, kids, it's okay. Go to town.
Freakshow: Cool. First, a snack! *gulp*
Wicked: Will Unus be okay?
Xavier: he'll be totally fine. Like, He'll cause Freakshow a stomach ache, but he'll be, like, humbled in about 18 hours.
Me: ...Ew. Amusing, but ew...
Xavier: In the meantime, I'm gonna like, totally talk to Moira's ghost who's a figment of my imagination. Soooo cool! Like, gag me with a lame-o death.
Fans: We miss her, too.
Me: As well you should.
Xavier: Whew. I'm so totally tired from lugging Magneto's coffin across the island.
Magneto: Let me help.
Fans: WHAT?
Exposition Lad: Well, someone's lifting the coffin. Mags might not be his imagination.
Fans: But...he's dead! We saw his drug-addled, way way out of character self killed over in Planet X! Wolverine /beheaded/ him after Morrison destroyed everything people liked about the character! How can he be alive?!
Exposition Lad: I'd ask Kyle, but he's back in the Corner.
Me: Look! I'm gonna build a nest!
Authority #12
Jack Hawksmoor: I'm just a total ice-hearted bastard.
Midnighter: I say 'Fuck' a lot.
Doctor: I set myself up as a religion. Where's my drugs!
Apollo: Wait a sec...didn't you OD?
Doctor: I got better.
Midnighter: But weren't we going to talk about kicking your drug-addict ass off?
Doctor: We're the Authority! We're immune to cause and effect!
Scott Summers: Lucky Bastards.
Midnighter: Anyway, we gotta fight Jenny Quantum's Evil Twin.
Me: Tough fight. They wouldn't kill little kids.
Authority: We're the Authority.
*last page*
Exposition Lad: Kyle? Back in the Corner:
Me: I had indoor plumbing installed!
Exiles #47
Beak: Okay, by the amount of screen time I get, and the cryptic task set by the Tallus, I'm joining with you guys.
Me: Good for you. Stay the fuck out of Academy X. You and your skank, one-dimensional wife. Send postcards!
Me: *guilt* You know...Beak was kinda cool in Planet X...I think it was the special class that just...you know...made me all evil and such.
Fans: But Basilisk is dead.
Me: So Morrison got One Thing Right. Big deal. But, it is Tony Bedard, who does good Ensemble books, and I'll put fifty dollars down and say Negation War will never be finished... ah, vaya con Exiles, Barnell. I'm sorry.
G.I. Joe #29 & #30
Me: You know...there's just too many damn characters on the side of the Joes to keep track of. Cobra is much easier to keep tabs on.
Cobra Commander: I'm back! And, I'm not stupid-evil. I'm a new, improved, calculating kind of Evil. I am the Coca-COla Classic of Evil!
Tomax/Xamot: Excellent. By the way, a Joe infiltrated Cobra Island. We don't know-
Cobra COmmander: He put in a computer virus. Cobra programmers are on it.
Baroness: Man, he IS good.
Commander: How I can trust you? You've been knocking steel-toed boots with Destro for years, and he went off on his own.
Baroness: He didn't tell me any of it.
Destro: I'll build factories in this country for mercenaries!
Duke: Surprise, Asshole. You've been played.
Commander: We can rescue Destro.
Baroness: Let him rot.
Me: *brrrrrrrrr* Hell hath no fury...
The Legion #33
Exposition Lad: In the Second Galaxy...xy...xy...
Garth: Okay. My soul was a spark in a cruystal that used to be Element Lad, so now it's me, Garth in a crystal body that looks like Jan's.
Cham: We don't believe it.
Fans: Join the sprocking club.
Credo Soldiers: You will all die-arrg!
SFX: Lots of thudding, smiting noises.
Credo Soldiers: We never even saw the rest of you there.
Lyle: That's because we're the Espionage Squad, Bitch!
Me: *headbangs*
Lyle: And while the Legion takes care of the troops, we get to go after Singularity.
Kinetix: Look! I exist! I've been stranded for months in comic limbo with writers who had no idea what to do-er, I mean, stranded in the Second Galaxy...
Singularity: I won't listen to reason! You all die!
Legion: We took on countless foes before, and are sudenly weak now. Who will save us?
DnA: The character we've been force-feeding you readers for the last year.
Superboy: o/` When there's trouble you know who to call... o/`
Me: Arrrrg!
Exposition Lad: What? That Superboy's around again, or that he was singing the Teen Titans cartoon theme in the book?
Me: The song.
Exposition Lad: It's not that bad.
Me: But...it'll be stuck in my head for days.
Exposition Lad: So /that's/ what you've been whistling all morning!
Me: Curse you, Puffy Amiyumi! Currrrrssseee yyooouuuu!
Garth: Wow, walking around Metro with you alone is cool.
Imra: Yeah. It's really you in there, Garth.
Garth: What's that odd look on your face?
Imra: This one?
Garth: Yeah.
Imra: It's a smile.
Garth: I remember those! We used to do that more, before the five years of everAngst DnA put us through.
Imra: Yeah. it's a great thing. I feel like I can actually smile, now.
Garth: Well DnA are off the book, so we might be able to do this more.
Imra: Not for long.
Garth: What?
Imra: Didn't you hear? We're getting 're-imagined.' in December.
Garth: ...Fuck.
Ultimate X-Men #46
X-Men: Angst angst angst!
Ororo: Angst *buzzing sound* Angst *snipping sound* Angst!
Me: Wow, this /is/ like the classic X-Men stories of yore.
Nightcrawler: That kid's gonna jump!
Jean-Paul: No, I fell, because you scared the shit out of me!
Angel: I'll catch him!
Piotr: Lucky bastard.
Jean-Paul: I've already been kicked off the track team! I'm in denial!
Angel: We'll be in touch.
Piotr: You better.
X-Men: Angst angst angst! Oh, and someone's hunting mutants in New York.
Emma: Enough of this. Alex, Alison, we're outta here.
Jean-Paul: Get away from me.
Mysterious figure: Boo, yo.
jean-Paul: Who are you?
Figure: Mr. Grandmaster Sinister in the hizzouse!
JP: What?
Fans: What!?
Sinister: They're just clothes. It really changes nothing about me. Now, am I the baddest?
Groupies: Sho'nuff! (Note: With apologies toindigoskynet)
Sinister: Am I the meanest, yo?
Groupies: Sho'nuff!
Sinister: *points gun at Jean-Paul* Am I the shootinest?
Groupies: Well...you klnow the drill by now.
Me: Okay, so the cliffhanger is Ultimate Thuggie Sinister firing a gun at Jean-Paul Beaubier...who moves really really fast. Moving along, now.
Ultimate Fantastic Four #5
Johnny: I'm impulsive!
Ben: I'm angry.
Reed: I'm really smart.
Sue: And I'm not seen in the whole 22-page fight scene, even if I'm on the cover. I'm still missing.
Me: Yeah. That's about it, really.
Supreme Power #10
Fans: Look, it's Power...Princess?
Exposition Lad: That, or it's Shimmer from the last page of Outsiders #12. They look the same.
Fans: Hey, where's Kyle?
Exposition Lad: In the Corner, again. It's standard procedure.
Fans: Ah...old school Squadron Supreme fan, right?
Exposition Lad: Yep. He's not taking this issue well.
Me: Mark Gruenwald would be spinning in his grave...if he wasn't cremated and his ashes put into the ink for the Squadron Supreme Limited Series TPB back in 96-97.
Fans: Is that really true?
Me: yes, it is. And...it would explain those really weird noises in my basement...
Astonishing X-Men #1
Doctor Lady: We might have found a cure for mutants.
Me: I don't read it, but didn't they do that in X-statix?
Kitty: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
Scott: You're with the X-men now, again.
Kitty: *sigh*
Joss Whedon: Don't worry, Kitty. I'll take good care of you.
Kitty: Yeah right. I sound like Willow and Buffy!
Joss: Well...yeah. Where do you think I got them from?
Kitty: Say what?
Joss: I've admitted it in interviews. You were the inspiration for characters like Willow.
Kitty: So...this means...
Joss: You get all the really good lines.
Kitty: Rock on! *high-five*
Logan: Nice way to mourn, Scott, shacking up with another telepath wearing close to nothing.
Scott: Says the guy who tried to steal my wife over twenty years and two feature films.
Emma: Wow, they're pissed.
Me: Honestly? Everyone's guilty. And I've been over this already in an earlier LJ post.
Avengers #83:
USAgent: Okay, Invaders...while we do some exposition on just who some of you are, we're going to Help Namor with some oil thing. We just sit tight here, and come into conflict with the Avengers when the story calls for it and they're all done being dramatic.
Hawkeye: Your ex-husband used to hit you.
Jan/Wasp: You never said you liked me.
Hawkeye: Let's kiss.
SFX: *ker-shag!*
Fans: Is that really a sound effect?
Me: In a Chuck Austen-written book, it is.
Hank/Yellowjacket/Giant-Man/whoEVER: *opens door, gasps, cues dramatic music*
Me: ...why is Hank so upset, since they've been divorced for years? Also, why are there kids in Avengers Mansion...when the place has a bigger rep for being demolished than both the Baxter Building and the X-Mansion combined? Nah, I'd rather not know.
Flash #210
Nightwing: Ah, now this brings me back to the old days.
Wally: What? Talking with your best friend, a.k.a. me, hanging with the Titans, rehashing old memories?
Nightwing: Nah. I mean having a conversation with another guy for five whole minutes without any homoerotic overtones.
Wally: That's because Judd Winick isn't writing this issue.
Nigthwing: Ah, that would do it.
Wally: Yep. So, okay, sorry about the whyole secret identity thing.
Nightwing: You should be. You went to the Spectre...you went to Hal, instead of me, your best friend.
Wally: Remember that lack of homoerotic overtones?
Nightwing: Yeah.
Wally: That line just killed it.
Nightwing: ...crap.
Wally: Okay, let's take care of some Rogues, who are reforming under Cold.
Nightwing: Cool.
James Jesse: I'm becoming scarier every month.
Heat Wave: You...went legit?
James Jesse: You can call it that. Oh, you know Murmur? Kill him.
Heat Wave: Got it, Fed Boy.
Nightwing: Okay, we stopped the Penguin and some Rogues, let's break into your Flash Museum.
Wally: Okay. But I have a ke-
Nightwing: breaking in will make us look cooler.
Wally: Ah, right.
Nightwing: Wow. Nice wax likeness of Grodd.
Grodd: Rarr!
Wally: Arg! *thud*
Grodd: Your Outsiders pissed me off, Nightwing. Now I get to kill you too!
Fans: Wait, when did that happen?
Me: In Outsiders.
Fans: Really? And they refer to it here? That's so cool!
Me: it's called Continuity.
Fans: Too many letters!
Me: Don't make me break out the lightsaber again.
Nightwing: So...wait, you're a living gorilla...how did you hide in here and not be detected.
Grodd: Lots of Right Guard, now die!
*to be continued*
JLA #99.
John Byrne: Now that Crucifier is over, I'm doing Doom Patrol, and I'm taking Faith with me for no real in-character reason!
Me: ...*censored*
X-Men #157
Scott: Welcome to the X-Mansion, Josh Guthrie. Join us on the initial tour.
Josh Guthrie: But I already took the tour.
Scott: Huh?
Josh Guthrie: In Academy X. You conducted the tour yourself.
Scott: But we need exposition and to show off Larocca'a artwork. Humor me?
Me: Please humor him?
Josh Guthrie: You again...
Me: Your eyes are up there, I know, I know.
Bobby: Okay, still mean and angsty over having a body of ice.
Lorna: Silently angsty over Alex.
Annie: Angtsy over Alex.
Jean-Paul: Angsty over being kicked out of the book for no real reason.
Scott: Angsty over angst. Anyway, this X-team has a mission in China.
Rogue, Gambit: Why are we here?
Me: Angst?
Them: Ah.
In China...
Bobby: Isn't that Xorn?
Exposition Lad: ...Oh, no.
X-men: What?
Exposition Lad: The corner...
Me: I defect! I claim sovereignity over this corner! Mine! Mine!
Exposition lad: Calm.
Me: No. Xorn is dead. Deaddeaddead! He! Never! Existed! The! End! Hey...maybe Puffy Amiyumi can write my national Anthem?
Yeah, he snapped.
Okay, kids, it's been delayed, but it's that time again.
Runaways #15
Alex: You know...while we're racing to confront our parents at the exact moment some weird Gibborim ritual is taking place by sheer coincidence, I just realized something?
Chase: What's that?
Alex: We have the right to be angsty as hell. But we're not.
Gert: Well, I'm supposed to hate my parents and all authority, so I guess I am a little gung-ho about it.
Mr. Wilder: We control Los Angeles, but we can't find six missing kids.
Mr. Stein: Well, they do rock.
Mr. Wilder: True.
Mr. Stein: Also, did you get my memo that I think that not all of us are on the same page, and we might have other parents plotting to kill us?
Mr and Mrs Hayes, Mr and Mrs Dean : *tiwrl their moustaches, do the Dr. Evil laugh*
Mr. Wilder: Saw that. You're being foolish. That would never happen.
Mr. Stein: I see that your son is the genius.
Mr. Wilder: What was that?
Mr. Stein: Nothing, m'lord.
Alex: We need a plan.
Karolina: I'll do whatever Nico wants!
Fans: *weeks on weeks of speculation*
Nico: I'll get us under the sea!
Molly: Under da sea, yay!
Old Lace: Rarr!
Chase: I'll reveal deep things about myself, making me a 3-dimensional character...oh crap.
Others: *shake their head*
Chase: Crap.
Nico: Okay, we're here.
Golem Guardian: Rarr! Golem Smash!
Runaways: Eeeek!
Alex: How do I stop it...wait, these pages were stuck together!
Gert: Ewwwwwww!
Alex: Not THAT. *magicword*
Golem: *thud*
Gert: CHase...he's dead!
Me: Okay, I'm off. *grabs teddy bear*
Fans: What is Kyle doing?
Exposition Lad: Okay, he's going to the Corner. It's where he sits, rocks, and cluthces a teddy when he sees something in comics he doesn't like.
Fans: So the last few years of the Legion and X-books...
Exposition Lad: Yeah, he's pretty much almost worn through the floor in that spot.
Fans: Uh.
Expositon Lad: Oh, get real! It's not a real corner. It's just an allegory for that place in Kyle's head for stuff like this.
Me: Yeah, I'm not that weird...
Exposition Lad: But do you really think Chase is dead?
Me: Eh, not sure. It's more the waiting for the next ish that's stressful.
JLA: Another Nail, #1
Superman: Okay, the whole idea behind the first series, the Nail, was that a nail in the tire of the Kents made them not find me, so the whole world was affected. But, I was found, and I was raised by the Amish to be respectful, humble and...relatively the same way I usually act.
Me: Buuuuut, it's the same creative team. I can deal.
Darkseid: I'm evil! To show I'm so evil, I'll kill Scott Free!
Barda: My name is Barda, you killed my husband, prepare to die.
Darkseid: No, Mrs. Free, I expect YOU to die...when I blow up Apokolips with my Doomsday Device because I think one of my inner circle is working against me.
Golgoth (From Empire): Dude, you need to lay off the Omega Bean Coffee-
Darkseid: SILENCE! (Note: With apologies to
graveyardgreg)Guardians: Go to Apokolips! We're the Guardians, so we have the power to order the Green Lantern Corp around like our own personal thug squad!
Ganthet: Not for long.
Guardians: What was that?
Ganthet: Oh, nothing.
Scott Free: Psst.
Barda: What?
Scott Free: It's okay, honey. Through the application of Metaphysical Bullshit, my consciousness is now in your Mother Box. I'll get you out.
SFX: *ka-power!*
Barda: Okay...a Green Lantern's Ring bonded to the Mother Box technology my dead husband's consciousness was resting in...now I/we are a Green Lantern.
kaibara: *serious headbanging*Me: Yeah, it's pretty wicked, isn't it?
Darkseid: *death!*
Ollie Queen: *frothfrothfrothrantrantrant*
Me: Still, it's cool fun.
New X-Men: Academy X #1
Me: This is basically New Mutants...with one important change.
Fans: What's that?
Me: A regular artist.
Fans: YAY!
Me: Yeah. And since I'm all down with the in-depth characterization, I'm cool with it. Anyone who disagrees can meet my friend the hypno-Toad.
Scott: Okay, new kids, this is your Official Mansion Tour.
Quill (kid with porcupine look): Any questions for exposition, come to me.
Josh Guthrie: But you're new here, too.
Me: Oooo!
Fans: Josh...Gutrie?
Me: Yeah. Showed up in Uncanny. Might be the only decent thing that came out of Austen's run besides a 3-dimensional Juggernaut.
Fans: But he has red hair and wings. Can he heal?
Me: Nope.
Josh Guthrie: ...Kyle?
Me: Yep?
Josh Guthrie: My eyes are up here.
Me: Yeah, whatever.
David: Okay, this is a whole mess of exposition.
Nori: Yeah, we established that whole group dynamic.
Josh: But, we have a lot of new readers.
Laurie: Why?
Sofia: Because they put X-Men in the title.
Laurie: Awesome.
Scott: Okay, we're going to place the students into squads.
Kids: Crap.
Me: ...why not seperate them by faculty advisor?
Fans; Too logical.
Me: Ah, right.
Outsiders #12
(With apologies to Tiny Toon Adventures)
Grace: We're bitchy,
Thunder: We're quippy
Indigo: We think the writer's flippy
Shift: We have this new comic, 'Cause Faerber's Titans sucked!
Me: Okay, enough of that.
Huntress: Arsenal's feeling better, so I'm going back to Gotham.
Nightwing: How do you know...oh.
Huntress: Everything's in working order.
Nightwing: Roy, you're hopeless.
Roy: That's what they call men with my dance card. Hopeless.
Slash fans: *snoopydance*
Me: Oy.
Nightwing: Oh, this happens all the time. You get used to it.
Me: Do you?
Nightwing: ...No.
Outsiders: Oh, crap! The Fearsome Five have escaped!
Fans; Don't you mean Fearsome Four?
Outsiders: They're working for Sivana.
Me: Odd number of Marvel references, lately.
Hawkman #28
Me: You know, on the cover...whenever it says 'New Team, new direction' it means 'we're going to ignore everything that's happened before.' Never a good sign.
Hawkman: I've seen tons of people die in a hundred lifetimes, but this most recent one has me moping and angsty.
Hawkgirl: Dude, chill. Shit happens.
Hawkman: I will tell you 'Get out' in a panel that has art that is roughly reminiscent of Hanna Barbera Saturday morning cartoons. Besides, you should Angst! You're going to fall in love with me and then we'll die! Again!!
Hawkgirl: ...You stole the Omega Bean Coffee off of Apokolips again, didn't you?
Hawkman: OUT!
Excalibur #1
Xavier: Like, ohmigawd! I'm in, like, Genosha and stuff!
Mutants: What's he doing here? Isn't he the enemy of Lord Magneto?
Xavier: Oh, he died. it was soooo grody! So I'm, like, moving in to rebuild.
*Psychic flash*
Xavier: That so, totally hurts!
Unus: Why are you talking like that?
Xavier: Prepping for Jubilee's arrival.
Unus: Ah, right. In the meantime, die!
Xavier: Die, like you totally did?
Unus: *flustered* I...never died!
Xavier: Yes. You did. Almost forty years ago, dude.
Unus: But I came back!
Xavier: Like, How?
Unus: Poor reaearch on the part of the previous writers!
Darkstar, Skin: Lucky bastard.
Wicked, Freakshow: Don't worry, we'll help!
Me: Eeeeeek!
Xavier: What?
Me: They's New Characters! Hatehatehatekillkillkilrarrrrrrr!
Wicked: Wait, don't!
Freakshow: Why do you hate us so much?
Me: I don't, really. But, it's how fandom works, and I'm tired of being out of the loop?
Xavier: This is that grody sarcasm thing, right?
Me: Yyyyyyyep. Nah, really, kids, it's okay. Go to town.
Freakshow: Cool. First, a snack! *gulp*
Wicked: Will Unus be okay?
Xavier: he'll be totally fine. Like, He'll cause Freakshow a stomach ache, but he'll be, like, humbled in about 18 hours.
Me: ...Ew. Amusing, but ew...
Xavier: In the meantime, I'm gonna like, totally talk to Moira's ghost who's a figment of my imagination. Soooo cool! Like, gag me with a lame-o death.
Fans: We miss her, too.
Me: As well you should.
Xavier: Whew. I'm so totally tired from lugging Magneto's coffin across the island.
Magneto: Let me help.
Fans: WHAT?
Exposition Lad: Well, someone's lifting the coffin. Mags might not be his imagination.
Fans: But...he's dead! We saw his drug-addled, way way out of character self killed over in Planet X! Wolverine /beheaded/ him after Morrison destroyed everything people liked about the character! How can he be alive?!
Exposition Lad: I'd ask Kyle, but he's back in the Corner.
Me: Look! I'm gonna build a nest!
Authority #12
Jack Hawksmoor: I'm just a total ice-hearted bastard.
Midnighter: I say 'Fuck' a lot.
Doctor: I set myself up as a religion. Where's my drugs!
Apollo: Wait a sec...didn't you OD?
Doctor: I got better.
Midnighter: But weren't we going to talk about kicking your drug-addict ass off?
Doctor: We're the Authority! We're immune to cause and effect!
Scott Summers: Lucky Bastards.
Midnighter: Anyway, we gotta fight Jenny Quantum's Evil Twin.
Me: Tough fight. They wouldn't kill little kids.
Authority: We're the Authority.
*last page*
Exposition Lad: Kyle? Back in the Corner:
Me: I had indoor plumbing installed!
Exiles #47
Beak: Okay, by the amount of screen time I get, and the cryptic task set by the Tallus, I'm joining with you guys.
Me: Good for you. Stay the fuck out of Academy X. You and your skank, one-dimensional wife. Send postcards!
Me: *guilt* You know...Beak was kinda cool in Planet X...I think it was the special class that just...you know...made me all evil and such.
Fans: But Basilisk is dead.
Me: So Morrison got One Thing Right. Big deal. But, it is Tony Bedard, who does good Ensemble books, and I'll put fifty dollars down and say Negation War will never be finished... ah, vaya con Exiles, Barnell. I'm sorry.
G.I. Joe #29 & #30
Me: You know...there's just too many damn characters on the side of the Joes to keep track of. Cobra is much easier to keep tabs on.
Cobra Commander: I'm back! And, I'm not stupid-evil. I'm a new, improved, calculating kind of Evil. I am the Coca-COla Classic of Evil!
Tomax/Xamot: Excellent. By the way, a Joe infiltrated Cobra Island. We don't know-
Cobra COmmander: He put in a computer virus. Cobra programmers are on it.
Baroness: Man, he IS good.
Commander: How I can trust you? You've been knocking steel-toed boots with Destro for years, and he went off on his own.
Baroness: He didn't tell me any of it.
Destro: I'll build factories in this country for mercenaries!
Duke: Surprise, Asshole. You've been played.
Commander: We can rescue Destro.
Baroness: Let him rot.
Me: *brrrrrrrrr* Hell hath no fury...
The Legion #33
Exposition Lad: In the Second Galaxy...xy...xy...
Garth: Okay. My soul was a spark in a cruystal that used to be Element Lad, so now it's me, Garth in a crystal body that looks like Jan's.
Cham: We don't believe it.
Fans: Join the sprocking club.
Credo Soldiers: You will all die-arrg!
SFX: Lots of thudding, smiting noises.
Credo Soldiers: We never even saw the rest of you there.
Lyle: That's because we're the Espionage Squad, Bitch!
Me: *headbangs*
Lyle: And while the Legion takes care of the troops, we get to go after Singularity.
Kinetix: Look! I exist! I've been stranded for months in comic limbo with writers who had no idea what to do-er, I mean, stranded in the Second Galaxy...
Singularity: I won't listen to reason! You all die!
Legion: We took on countless foes before, and are sudenly weak now. Who will save us?
DnA: The character we've been force-feeding you readers for the last year.
Superboy: o/` When there's trouble you know who to call... o/`
Me: Arrrrg!
Exposition Lad: What? That Superboy's around again, or that he was singing the Teen Titans cartoon theme in the book?
Me: The song.
Exposition Lad: It's not that bad.
Me: But...it'll be stuck in my head for days.
Exposition Lad: So /that's/ what you've been whistling all morning!
Me: Curse you, Puffy Amiyumi! Currrrrssseee yyooouuuu!
Garth: Wow, walking around Metro with you alone is cool.
Imra: Yeah. It's really you in there, Garth.
Garth: What's that odd look on your face?
Imra: This one?
Garth: Yeah.
Imra: It's a smile.
Garth: I remember those! We used to do that more, before the five years of everAngst DnA put us through.
Imra: Yeah. it's a great thing. I feel like I can actually smile, now.
Garth: Well DnA are off the book, so we might be able to do this more.
Imra: Not for long.
Garth: What?
Imra: Didn't you hear? We're getting 're-imagined.' in December.
Garth: ...Fuck.
Ultimate X-Men #46
X-Men: Angst angst angst!
Ororo: Angst *buzzing sound* Angst *snipping sound* Angst!
Me: Wow, this /is/ like the classic X-Men stories of yore.
Nightcrawler: That kid's gonna jump!
Jean-Paul: No, I fell, because you scared the shit out of me!
Angel: I'll catch him!
Piotr: Lucky bastard.
Jean-Paul: I've already been kicked off the track team! I'm in denial!
Angel: We'll be in touch.
Piotr: You better.
X-Men: Angst angst angst! Oh, and someone's hunting mutants in New York.
Emma: Enough of this. Alex, Alison, we're outta here.
Jean-Paul: Get away from me.
Mysterious figure: Boo, yo.
jean-Paul: Who are you?
Figure: Mr. Grandmaster Sinister in the hizzouse!
JP: What?
Fans: What!?
Sinister: They're just clothes. It really changes nothing about me. Now, am I the baddest?
Groupies: Sho'nuff! (Note: With apologies to
indigoskynet)Sinister: Am I the meanest, yo?
Groupies: Sho'nuff!
Sinister: *points gun at Jean-Paul* Am I the shootinest?
Groupies: Well...you klnow the drill by now.
Me: Okay, so the cliffhanger is Ultimate Thuggie Sinister firing a gun at Jean-Paul Beaubier...who moves really really fast. Moving along, now.
Ultimate Fantastic Four #5
Johnny: I'm impulsive!
Ben: I'm angry.
Reed: I'm really smart.
Sue: And I'm not seen in the whole 22-page fight scene, even if I'm on the cover. I'm still missing.
Me: Yeah. That's about it, really.
Supreme Power #10
Fans: Look, it's Power...Princess?
Exposition Lad: That, or it's Shimmer from the last page of Outsiders #12. They look the same.
Fans: Hey, where's Kyle?
Exposition Lad: In the Corner, again. It's standard procedure.
Fans: Ah...old school Squadron Supreme fan, right?
Exposition Lad: Yep. He's not taking this issue well.
Me: Mark Gruenwald would be spinning in his grave...if he wasn't cremated and his ashes put into the ink for the Squadron Supreme Limited Series TPB back in 96-97.
Fans: Is that really true?
Me: yes, it is. And...it would explain those really weird noises in my basement...
Astonishing X-Men #1
Doctor Lady: We might have found a cure for mutants.
Me: I don't read it, but didn't they do that in X-statix?
Kitty: Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!
Scott: You're with the X-men now, again.
Kitty: *sigh*
Joss Whedon: Don't worry, Kitty. I'll take good care of you.
Kitty: Yeah right. I sound like Willow and Buffy!
Joss: Well...yeah. Where do you think I got them from?
Kitty: Say what?
Joss: I've admitted it in interviews. You were the inspiration for characters like Willow.
Kitty: So...this means...
Joss: You get all the really good lines.
Kitty: Rock on! *high-five*
Logan: Nice way to mourn, Scott, shacking up with another telepath wearing close to nothing.
Scott: Says the guy who tried to steal my wife over twenty years and two feature films.
Emma: Wow, they're pissed.
Me: Honestly? Everyone's guilty. And I've been over this already in an earlier LJ post.
Avengers #83:
USAgent: Okay, Invaders...while we do some exposition on just who some of you are, we're going to Help Namor with some oil thing. We just sit tight here, and come into conflict with the Avengers when the story calls for it and they're all done being dramatic.
Hawkeye: Your ex-husband used to hit you.
Jan/Wasp: You never said you liked me.
Hawkeye: Let's kiss.
SFX: *ker-shag!*
Fans: Is that really a sound effect?
Me: In a Chuck Austen-written book, it is.
Hank/Yellowjacket/Giant-Man/whoEVER: *opens door, gasps, cues dramatic music*
Me: ...why is Hank so upset, since they've been divorced for years? Also, why are there kids in Avengers Mansion...when the place has a bigger rep for being demolished than both the Baxter Building and the X-Mansion combined? Nah, I'd rather not know.
Flash #210
Nightwing: Ah, now this brings me back to the old days.
Wally: What? Talking with your best friend, a.k.a. me, hanging with the Titans, rehashing old memories?
Nightwing: Nah. I mean having a conversation with another guy for five whole minutes without any homoerotic overtones.
Wally: That's because Judd Winick isn't writing this issue.
Nigthwing: Ah, that would do it.
Wally: Yep. So, okay, sorry about the whyole secret identity thing.
Nightwing: You should be. You went to the Spectre...you went to Hal, instead of me, your best friend.
Wally: Remember that lack of homoerotic overtones?
Nightwing: Yeah.
Wally: That line just killed it.
Nightwing: ...crap.
Wally: Okay, let's take care of some Rogues, who are reforming under Cold.
Nightwing: Cool.
James Jesse: I'm becoming scarier every month.
Heat Wave: You...went legit?
James Jesse: You can call it that. Oh, you know Murmur? Kill him.
Heat Wave: Got it, Fed Boy.
Nightwing: Okay, we stopped the Penguin and some Rogues, let's break into your Flash Museum.
Wally: Okay. But I have a ke-
Nightwing: breaking in will make us look cooler.
Wally: Ah, right.
Nightwing: Wow. Nice wax likeness of Grodd.
Grodd: Rarr!
Wally: Arg! *thud*
Grodd: Your Outsiders pissed me off, Nightwing. Now I get to kill you too!
Fans: Wait, when did that happen?
Me: In Outsiders.
Fans: Really? And they refer to it here? That's so cool!
Me: it's called Continuity.
Fans: Too many letters!
Me: Don't make me break out the lightsaber again.
Nightwing: So...wait, you're a living gorilla...how did you hide in here and not be detected.
Grodd: Lots of Right Guard, now die!
*to be continued*
JLA #99.
John Byrne: Now that Crucifier is over, I'm doing Doom Patrol, and I'm taking Faith with me for no real in-character reason!
Me: ...*censored*
X-Men #157
Scott: Welcome to the X-Mansion, Josh Guthrie. Join us on the initial tour.
Josh Guthrie: But I already took the tour.
Scott: Huh?
Josh Guthrie: In Academy X. You conducted the tour yourself.
Scott: But we need exposition and to show off Larocca'a artwork. Humor me?
Me: Please humor him?
Josh Guthrie: You again...
Me: Your eyes are up there, I know, I know.
Bobby: Okay, still mean and angsty over having a body of ice.
Lorna: Silently angsty over Alex.
Annie: Angtsy over Alex.
Jean-Paul: Angsty over being kicked out of the book for no real reason.
Scott: Angsty over angst. Anyway, this X-team has a mission in China.
Rogue, Gambit: Why are we here?
Me: Angst?
Them: Ah.
In China...
Bobby: Isn't that Xorn?
Exposition Lad: ...Oh, no.
X-men: What?
Exposition Lad: The corner...
Me: I defect! I claim sovereignity over this corner! Mine! Mine!
Exposition lad: Calm.
Me: No. Xorn is dead. Deaddeaddead! He! Never! Existed! The! End! Hey...maybe Puffy Amiyumi can write my national Anthem?
Yeah, he snapped.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-05-27 11:39 am (UTC)Thank you. Very funny as always.
Mmmmmmmm. Nightwing. *stabs Tarantula a few more times* Rar rar rar rar rar rar. Anyway, I kind of did a review of Richard Dragon #1 in my journal in a similar style.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-27 04:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-27 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-27 07:41 pm (UTC)How about a blast-from-the-past line?
"HOOOOOOSSSSSSSSEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!"
no subject
Date: 2004-05-27 03:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-05-27 04:18 pm (UTC)As for Hank Pym, I suspect he got jumped by a size-changing redneck who stole his costume sometime between the end of the Johns run and the start of the Austen run.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-27 05:17 pm (UTC)Piper: Joy. I'm still in limbo, but at least you can see me! I'm blastin'! I'm blastin'... back to the closet of underused characters...
Marvels!
Date: 2004-05-28 10:25 am (UTC)Outsiders: Oh, crap! The Fearsome Five have escaped!
Fans; Don't you mean Fearsome Four?
Outsiders: They're working for Sivana.
Me: Odd number of Marvel references, lately.
...
You say that as if it weren't a good thing. Marvels gooooooood. :)Especially since they gave Cap the totally stupid boot in JSA 59.
no subject
Date: 2004-05-28 08:32 pm (UTC)Thunder: We're quippy
Indigo: We think the writer's flippy
Shift: We have this new comic, 'Cause Faerber's Titans sucked!
Me: *spits water all over keyboard*
Thanks. I needed that. ^_^