Insomniac.
Feb. 4th, 2002 10:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dewingedI'm home, today. I called out sick from work, pretty much because I was up all last night with the dry heaves. So, here I am, listening to a little music while sipping my Gatorade (family sickness remedy from way back), and poking around online.
I'm feeling down again. Sometimes, I'm never quite sure if I get depressed because I'm sick or if it's the other way around. And I'm not sure which answer scares me more. I'd call my friends, but, natch, they're working, and rarely have time anyways. Talked to Mike yesterday, and we might do something Saturday, but it's early, and something's bound to come up before then. He apparently got e-mail from someone we knew in high school. That friend, who I haven't talked to in about 6 years, just passed the bar, and another is working in South Jersey as a pharmcist, and another is married and teaching piano in NYC.
Someone mentioned that earlier: I'm not alone if I have friends. But they go away. They grow up, find other things to do, and leave you behind. No time for you, no need to really be around you anymore. A constant in our lives gives us some sense of stability, some sense of continuity, and I have not had that in a really long time, now. Or, if so, it's the constants I don't want, and pretty much nothing in my life to look forward to.
Ok, example, sort of. On a message board for a local game I'm in, one of the players recently lost their job, and went back to Cali for a while to regroup. He mentions not being able to rent a car, due to being 23.
Quote: so, i've been in and out of the Marine Corps, married, divorced, have a four year old son, but apparently i'm still not mature enough to rent a car. fawk that.
Had he said this in my hearing, I think I'd have hit him. Because, deep down, I know what I'd give for...well, damn near anything at this point. My kingdom, my posessions and what's left of my soul for some life experience.
All in that quest not to get left behind...
I did go Saturday, to my friend's store. See, it's their LARP group, and they're nice people. I ended up winning a game of the Munchkin card game (current ranking: 2-0), losing at Chez Geek, and staring at this one guy out of the corner of my eye most of the night. I might ask Christine what she knows about him when I see her next. LARP? See, I covet my free time, what little I feel I really have that's not absorbed by other gaming. I do it to myself, and adding anything else, that isn't in the direction I need, I think would really fuck me up right now.
DId some e-baying this week. Won a VHS tape of Secret of Nimh, which I haven't seen in years, and a set of comics I've been trying to snag for the last few months on that site. I got lucky. I just hope it holds out.
I've been reading online stories, too. There's one series I've been reading lately, which I really like. It's better than the stuff I've written.
Okay, slightly better.
Okay, a little bit better. I have less typos.
But that writer does do more stuff than I do...
But I write, post to the Net, and I'm really fucking good at it.
But, anyway, I've been reading this series, and with the chapters I was reading before I started this entry, the main character and his love interest break up, and I know they don't get back together at the end, or if they will, and I was looking at the screen just...apathetic about the whole thing. It's why I turned away from the story and went here.
It's a little after 11 now, and I'm not sleepy, even though I didn't really sleep last night. But, if I nap now, it will fuck up my sleep schedule for tonight, which won't help. I've been trying to get over this depression without ending up on happy pills (Since that won't solve my problems), and trying to find a way that doesn't involve changing stuff in my life, which causes stress as I have one more thing to think about.
I'm feeling down again. Sometimes, I'm never quite sure if I get depressed because I'm sick or if it's the other way around. And I'm not sure which answer scares me more. I'd call my friends, but, natch, they're working, and rarely have time anyways. Talked to Mike yesterday, and we might do something Saturday, but it's early, and something's bound to come up before then. He apparently got e-mail from someone we knew in high school. That friend, who I haven't talked to in about 6 years, just passed the bar, and another is working in South Jersey as a pharmcist, and another is married and teaching piano in NYC.
Someone mentioned that earlier: I'm not alone if I have friends. But they go away. They grow up, find other things to do, and leave you behind. No time for you, no need to really be around you anymore. A constant in our lives gives us some sense of stability, some sense of continuity, and I have not had that in a really long time, now. Or, if so, it's the constants I don't want, and pretty much nothing in my life to look forward to.
Ok, example, sort of. On a message board for a local game I'm in, one of the players recently lost their job, and went back to Cali for a while to regroup. He mentions not being able to rent a car, due to being 23.
Quote: so, i've been in and out of the Marine Corps, married, divorced, have a four year old son, but apparently i'm still not mature enough to rent a car. fawk that.
Had he said this in my hearing, I think I'd have hit him. Because, deep down, I know what I'd give for...well, damn near anything at this point. My kingdom, my posessions and what's left of my soul for some life experience.
All in that quest not to get left behind...
I did go Saturday, to my friend's store. See, it's their LARP group, and they're nice people. I ended up winning a game of the Munchkin card game (current ranking: 2-0), losing at Chez Geek, and staring at this one guy out of the corner of my eye most of the night. I might ask Christine what she knows about him when I see her next. LARP? See, I covet my free time, what little I feel I really have that's not absorbed by other gaming. I do it to myself, and adding anything else, that isn't in the direction I need, I think would really fuck me up right now.
DId some e-baying this week. Won a VHS tape of Secret of Nimh, which I haven't seen in years, and a set of comics I've been trying to snag for the last few months on that site. I got lucky. I just hope it holds out.
I've been reading online stories, too. There's one series I've been reading lately, which I really like. It's better than the stuff I've written.
Okay, slightly better.
Okay, a little bit better. I have less typos.
But that writer does do more stuff than I do...
But I write, post to the Net, and I'm really fucking good at it.
But, anyway, I've been reading this series, and with the chapters I was reading before I started this entry, the main character and his love interest break up, and I know they don't get back together at the end, or if they will, and I was looking at the screen just...apathetic about the whole thing. It's why I turned away from the story and went here.
It's a little after 11 now, and I'm not sleepy, even though I didn't really sleep last night. But, if I nap now, it will fuck up my sleep schedule for tonight, which won't help. I've been trying to get over this depression without ending up on happy pills (Since that won't solve my problems), and trying to find a way that doesn't involve changing stuff in my life, which causes stress as I have one more thing to think about.