*sob* Part 2.

Ok, the game tonight wasn't too bad. We were all a bit strung out from the storm, so we cut out early. I got the loaner, and Dad and one of my uncles went to get it because we got the call about 5 minutes before I got a ride to the store for the game.

Come home, there's the loaner, and the news.

My car's engine siezed.

I...give up. Can't fucking win. I'll never be...right. Everything keeps dying around me.

Blank feeling

Ok, talked to the 'rents. They want to find out why my engine siezed before I call the insurance company. If it was because of the flood, I can get something out of them. Good thing.

Also...was dreaming again last night. And it was...hell, I need to say it. It was beautiful. I got the wish I wanted, even if I don't talk about it for reasons of my own.

It felt real. I felt real, and I could still taste his lips as I woke up.

For that moment, I felt wanted, wished for, hungered for. And it felt so good...

Force Play

There's a part of my mind that says I had to do it.

See, out of sheer frustration, I called Mike today. Haven't heard from him since the concert, and I wanted to vent bad. So, I was straight up with him. I wanted to eb social, I wanted to go out, I wanted to have fun.

And, I wanted to go to the Coliseum. Local gay club.

And so I said that. But he said neither he nor his wife would go there. They'd go to another (read: straight) club, but I said flat-out that I wouldn't have any fun. I wouldn't meet anyone, it'd be all couples and me, and I'd just end up miserable.

And so I talked to him. I asked him how many times I let him drag me out to the clubs, where his friends were obnoxious and I was bored to death. I wasn't comfortable at those places, and when he asked me why I didn't say anything, I told him the truth. I did. He just ignored it.

And so I told him: I was always there to support you. I'm asking for the same thing in return.

So, at this point he's saying 'I'll think about it.'

And, you know, I feel guilty. I mean, it hurts me that I can't have people just there for support, like what friends are supposed to do. But I had to shame him into this. I had to play most of the cards I had to get even this simple thing.

I know what will happen: He'll forget about it. When Saturday (And I'm free that day) comes around, he won't call opr bring it up. That, or what selfish shrew of a wife of his will complain til we do something else. If it comes to that, I will tell her what I've been wanting to say to her for a long time. "This isn't about You!" She's had it coming, and I want this to happen this weekend. I Need This.

Although, I have had some decent things. Bookf from Amazon for my birthday came: One of which is the first Exiles TPB. Suddenly, one of the chars I RP with makes a lot more sense. Downloaded a few tunes, and I'm listening to one I've been looking for for a month right now. The song below, it so rocks.

Nothing about the car yet. And...eh. Still want, still need, still wish things were different.