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dewingedI'm at work, now. And I don't think I want to be here today. Not that I can't do the job, but my heart isn't in it. I'm not even sure if I have one any more.
I know, I complain and get upset a lot. I've been called negative. I know that, too. I...there's so many things I wish I could vocalize, but it would only drive people away, like it always does. There's so much.
Last night, I got caught up in talking to an acquaintance on the Net. Not someone I MU* with, nor anyone I've known for a while. And, a lot of things were bugging me, and he said I could always vent to him. So I did.
And the conversation went on, and it felt like conversations I've had a thousand times in the last few years. I'm hurting, so I should stop it. I should be happy with my life, even though I'm not. I...I feel like I'm being told to pretend to feel something else. Put on a happy mask, and ignore what I feel, want, and need. I don't want to ignore it. Putting it aside, to me, is just being in denial that something isn't there. It's still going to hurt.
And my personal favorite: I'm not in love. I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.
I find that the most painful, and probably the reason why I didn't sleep much last night. That kind of phrase is why I have, in my head, conjoined the feelings 'love' and 'pain.' It makes anything I feel...
It makes me feel that anything I feel and think is superficial, or childish. Like they're not real. It's why I don't reveal my real feelings about some people to those people. Becuase I think they're going to not take it seriously.
A lot of it was being told that anything I said was wrong. I'm starting to feel that something is wrong by the sheer virtue of the fact that I said it. I'm always wrong. Everything I say is wrong, everything I want is wrong, everything I think is wrong.
And I look at myself, and wish so badly that I can just give up. I lost. I can't win, and will never win. And it's never going to end, for a very long time, and I'll have a life that I don't want to be in anymore. Hell, not sure I want to be in it now.
Staying at work. Don't feel like going home.
I know, I complain and get upset a lot. I've been called negative. I know that, too. I...there's so many things I wish I could vocalize, but it would only drive people away, like it always does. There's so much.
Last night, I got caught up in talking to an acquaintance on the Net. Not someone I MU* with, nor anyone I've known for a while. And, a lot of things were bugging me, and he said I could always vent to him. So I did.
And the conversation went on, and it felt like conversations I've had a thousand times in the last few years. I'm hurting, so I should stop it. I should be happy with my life, even though I'm not. I...I feel like I'm being told to pretend to feel something else. Put on a happy mask, and ignore what I feel, want, and need. I don't want to ignore it. Putting it aside, to me, is just being in denial that something isn't there. It's still going to hurt.
And my personal favorite: I'm not in love. I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.
I find that the most painful, and probably the reason why I didn't sleep much last night. That kind of phrase is why I have, in my head, conjoined the feelings 'love' and 'pain.' It makes anything I feel...
It makes me feel that anything I feel and think is superficial, or childish. Like they're not real. It's why I don't reveal my real feelings about some people to those people. Becuase I think they're going to not take it seriously.
A lot of it was being told that anything I said was wrong. I'm starting to feel that something is wrong by the sheer virtue of the fact that I said it. I'm always wrong. Everything I say is wrong, everything I want is wrong, everything I think is wrong.
And I look at myself, and wish so badly that I can just give up. I lost. I can't win, and will never win. And it's never going to end, for a very long time, and I'll have a life that I don't want to be in anymore. Hell, not sure I want to be in it now.
Staying at work. Don't feel like going home.
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no subject
Date: 2002-08-08 06:28 am (UTC)It sounds like you are depressed. This is not a criticism of you or your feelings. They are valid and real. I know I'm not a doctor or a professional, but I've seen this in my family and with friends. You need to get some help. It is NOT normal to feel down all the time, and there IS something that can be done about it.
Please don't be angry with me for writing this. I'm just saying it because I do care.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-08 06:53 am (UTC)I'm worried about you. Talk to me sometime, maybe? You know where to find me, or you can send me email. 'kaie?
no subject
Date: 2002-08-08 02:31 pm (UTC)What might be true, though, is that you have some strictly chemical things going on in your brain that could be reduced through proper training and/or medication. I know people like to medicate for everything, and that as a result we're getting a bunch of emotional incompetents, unable to function at the slightest frustration or unhappiness or other real emotional pain.
But there's a limit to useful emotional pain as well. You may be at that limit. Or as said, you may have some stuff that's simply anchoring you in a painful or negative emotional state.