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dewingedI'm at work, now. And I don't think I want to be here today. Not that I can't do the job, but my heart isn't in it. I'm not even sure if I have one any more.
I know, I complain and get upset a lot. I've been called negative. I know that, too. I...there's so many things I wish I could vocalize, but it would only drive people away, like it always does. There's so much.
Last night, I got caught up in talking to an acquaintance on the Net. Not someone I MU* with, nor anyone I've known for a while. And, a lot of things were bugging me, and he said I could always vent to him. So I did.
And the conversation went on, and it felt like conversations I've had a thousand times in the last few years. I'm hurting, so I should stop it. I should be happy with my life, even though I'm not. I...I feel like I'm being told to pretend to feel something else. Put on a happy mask, and ignore what I feel, want, and need. I don't want to ignore it. Putting it aside, to me, is just being in denial that something isn't there. It's still going to hurt.
And my personal favorite: I'm not in love. I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.
I find that the most painful, and probably the reason why I didn't sleep much last night. That kind of phrase is why I have, in my head, conjoined the feelings 'love' and 'pain.' It makes anything I feel...
It makes me feel that anything I feel and think is superficial, or childish. Like they're not real. It's why I don't reveal my real feelings about some people to those people. Becuase I think they're going to not take it seriously.
A lot of it was being told that anything I said was wrong. I'm starting to feel that something is wrong by the sheer virtue of the fact that I said it. I'm always wrong. Everything I say is wrong, everything I want is wrong, everything I think is wrong.
And I look at myself, and wish so badly that I can just give up. I lost. I can't win, and will never win. And it's never going to end, for a very long time, and I'll have a life that I don't want to be in anymore. Hell, not sure I want to be in it now.
Staying at work. Don't feel like going home.
I know, I complain and get upset a lot. I've been called negative. I know that, too. I...there's so many things I wish I could vocalize, but it would only drive people away, like it always does. There's so much.
Last night, I got caught up in talking to an acquaintance on the Net. Not someone I MU* with, nor anyone I've known for a while. And, a lot of things were bugging me, and he said I could always vent to him. So I did.
And the conversation went on, and it felt like conversations I've had a thousand times in the last few years. I'm hurting, so I should stop it. I should be happy with my life, even though I'm not. I...I feel like I'm being told to pretend to feel something else. Put on a happy mask, and ignore what I feel, want, and need. I don't want to ignore it. Putting it aside, to me, is just being in denial that something isn't there. It's still going to hurt.
And my personal favorite: I'm not in love. I'm just in love with the idea of being in love.
I find that the most painful, and probably the reason why I didn't sleep much last night. That kind of phrase is why I have, in my head, conjoined the feelings 'love' and 'pain.' It makes anything I feel...
It makes me feel that anything I feel and think is superficial, or childish. Like they're not real. It's why I don't reveal my real feelings about some people to those people. Becuase I think they're going to not take it seriously.
A lot of it was being told that anything I said was wrong. I'm starting to feel that something is wrong by the sheer virtue of the fact that I said it. I'm always wrong. Everything I say is wrong, everything I want is wrong, everything I think is wrong.
And I look at myself, and wish so badly that I can just give up. I lost. I can't win, and will never win. And it's never going to end, for a very long time, and I'll have a life that I don't want to be in anymore. Hell, not sure I want to be in it now.
Staying at work. Don't feel like going home.
no subject
Date: 2002-08-08 06:53 am (UTC)I'm worried about you. Talk to me sometime, maybe? You know where to find me, or you can send me email. 'kaie?